Observation

A few months back - just before the flood gates opened for a new set of shadows to pour through seeking healing - I received a message. That message was simple. It asked that I observe. Through the trying, breaking, craving, holding…through the laughing, calming, celebrating, releasing…simply, courageously, observe.

In yoga, we always start from the ground, in observation. Observation of breath, of movement, of energies. Like a child, studying a bug on a leaf, we study ourselves - our physical form and our emotional body. Now, this next part is the tricky bit, so pay attention. JUST observe. Observe and do not act. How does your breath change as you move? Does it become labored as you labor though poses? Does heat rise in your chest? A knot in your throat? How does your heart beat when you are scared? Lonely? In love?

As you study the myriad of reactions your bodies go through with each passing event, you have an opportunity to utilize your findings and apply them. Awareness is the gateway to healing. Awareness through self-study, in Sanskrit svadyaya, allows us to integrate the shadow aspects of ourselves and bring them into the light.

When I received the message to sit in observation while old patterns and wounding reared their ugly heads, I did my best to heed the suggestion. I’ve become pretty spiritually savvy in the last couple years, so I’m all in for getting this shit out so I can proceed with queen-like sovereignty. Shadow and trauma work, however is not for the faint hearted, especially when sorting through blockages made up of worth, failure, anxiety, abandonment, and dejection. But I tried my best. I stayed with it when it came and didn’t try to hide in any of the normal places. I allowed myself to feel fully into each and every on of those painful emotions - tears streaming, breath ragged, praying for it to be done… I thought to myself - what will remain?

And then, I observed as the magic that is understanding - release - gratitude - began to seep in through the wreckage. I sat, in awe, in gratitude, as I observed how everything - every single trigger, heart break, obstacle - EVERY. SINGLE. THING brought me to the place I am now. Closer to knowing. Closer to trust. Closer to truth. Closer to freedom.

I am grateful to the guidance that encouraged me to stop running and start rising. It is a beautiful practice to take this life in hand and study the intricacies of why we do the things we do - only to watch them fall away. It is then, we have the opportunity to discover that at the core of it lies a love so complete, so infinite, that it takes your breath away.