Compare and Despair

I remember, what seems like so long ago, feeling so separate. I felt disconnected from everyone around me. It was as though I was special - feeling feelings and thinking thoughts that no one else could relate to. It was a lonely place to be and I hid behind this veil of half truths and shadows. 

In the past few years, I have had the opportunity to experience true intimacy and vulnerability. Where I once compared my insides to others outsides, I now see that the differences between people only lie in the details. In the presence of others, I have listened empathetically as someone I have never met before describes my experience. I have sat quietly on my yoga mat, feeling the connection of twenty people breathing with open hearts. I have wiped my tears away as I share my life story, honestly, for the first time. I have dried my tears on the shoulder of a stranger when they hold me after a truthful, raw unveiling. 

Vulnerability used to scare the hell out of me, but now I find security and safety in it. It gives me the opportunity to bring my deep darkness out into the light and release it. I don't have to pretend any more, I can be authentic. I don't have to hide, I can be visible. I don't need to feel alone, I can be loved. I allow myself to be loved.

Before I found this place of connectedness, everything was about comparison. Feelings of inadequacy and separateness took up so much space inside my being. I compared and I lost - I lost out on friendships, opportunities to serve others, and countless connections. These feelings created such a separateness, that I was unable to see the connectedness. Yoga and twelve step work helped me realize that the separateness came from me. I was creating the boundary. I was the one who put up the wall. So, I chose to take the wall down. I was terrified as I removed each and every brick. But I took it down anyway. And for the first time in my life, I experienced true love.